short bibliography -
more detailed bibliography -
Books on A.N. -
Articles on A.N. -
"Am I, at bottom, that fervent little Spanish Catholic child who
chastised herself for loving toys, who forbade herself the enjoyment of
sweet foods, who practiced silence, who humiliated her pride, who adored
symbols, statues, burning candles, incense, the caress of nuns, organ music,
for whom Communion was a great event? I was so exalted by the idea of
eating Jesus's flesh and drinking His blood that I couldn't swallow the host
well, and I dreaded harming the it. I visualized Christ descending into my
heart so realistically (I was a realist then!) that I could see Him walking
down the stairs and entering the room of my heart like a sacred Visitor.
That state of this room was a subject of great preoccupation for me. . . At
the ages of nine, ten, eleven, I believe I approximated sainthood. And
then, at sixteen, resentful of controls, disillusioned with a God who had
not granted my prayers (the return of my father), who performed no miracles,
who left me fatherless in a strange country, I rejected all Catholicism with
exaggeration. Goodness, virtue, charity, submission, stifled me. I took up
the words of Lawrence: "They stress only pain, sacrifice, suffering and
death. They do not dwell enough on the resurrection, on joy and life in the
present." Today I feel my past like an unbearable weight, I feel that it
interferes with my present life, that it must be the cause for this
withdrawal, this closing of doors. . . I am embalmed because a nun leaned
over me, enveloped me in her veils, kissed me. The chill curse of
Christianity. I do not confess any more, I have no remorse, yet am I doing
penance for my enjoyments? Nobody knows what a magnificent prey I was for
Christian legends, because of my compassion and my tenderness for human
beings. Today it divides me from enjoyment in life."
"As June walked towards me from the darkness of the garden into the light of the door, I saw for the first time the most beautiful woman on earth. A startling white face, burning dark eyes, a face so alive I felt it would consume itself before my eyes. Years ago I tried to imagine true beauty; I created in my mind an image of just such a woman. I had never seen her until last night. Yet I knew long ago the phosphorescent color of her skin, her huntress profile, the evenness of her teeth. She is bizarre, fantastic, nervous, like someone in a high fever. Her beauty drowned me. As I sat before her, I felt I would do anything she asked of me. Henry suddenly faded. She was color and brilliance and strangeness. By the end of the evening I had extricated myself from her power. She killed my admiration by her talk. Her talk. The enormous ego, false, weak, posturing. She lacks the courage of her personality, which is sensual, heavy with experience. Her role alone preoccupies her. She invents dramas in which she always stars. I am sure she creates genuine dramas, genuine chaos and whirlpools of feelings, but I feel that her share in it is a pose. That night, in spite of my response to her, she sought to be whatever she felt I wanted her to be. She is an actress every moment. I cannot grasp the core of June. Everything Henry has said about her is true."
I wanted to run out and kiss her fanatastic beauty and say: 'June, you have killed my sincerity too. I will never know again who I am, what I am, what I love, what I want. Your beauty has drowned me, the core of me. You carry away with you a part of me reflected in you. When your beauty struck me, it dissolved me. Deep down, I am not different from you. I dreamed you, I wished for your existance. You are the woman I want to be. I see in you that part of me which is you. I feel compassion for your childlike pride, for your trembling unsureness, your dramatization of events, your enhancing of the loves given to you. I surrender my sincerity because if I love you it means we share the same fantasies, the same madnesses"
The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Volume 1: 1931-1934 |
Edited and with an introduction by Gunther Stuhlmann, illustr.
New York: Harcourt, Brace and World
Buy this book online Buy this book online at amazon.co.uk